Teddy Talks – A Palin Xmas, Pt. 3

OK, kids. Gather ’round, it’s story time again. The cognac is starting to warm my toes, and numb the part of my brain that gets all twitchy when things don’t make sense. That means I’m ready to dive back into Sarah Palin’s book.

Before we get to the random series of words, let’s start off with a picture. Here’s my favorite. It’s little Sarah, and I’m not sure, but this photo of Christmas Past may hold a clue as to what went terribly terribly wrong with our young Sarah. Look deeply. And listen…

Teddy: Yes. Yes, that’s it, Little Sarah. Keep pushing your fingers into my brain. I like that.

Sarah: Hee hee hee! Teddy!

Teddy: I can’t wait until it’s bed time, and everyone is asleep so we can talk…

Sarah: Teddy silly! Hee hee hee!

Teddy: Yeeessss, we have lots of things to talk about. Lots of things.

As Chapter 2 begins, we travel in time back to the late 1990s in Wasilla when Sarah Palin was Mayor. Apparently, even then she was a Warrior for Plastic Jesus, and despite warnings from all the well-meaning and folksy folk in Wasilla who chuckled and winked and said, “Oh, Sarah you’re such a trouble maker,” she did what she knew was right.

“It had become the hip thing that year across America to force anyone and everyone to abort Christ from Christmas.”

That’s right. Wanna be “hip?” Make everyone forcibly abort Christ. Get an ACLU punch card, and the 13th abortion is free! Good times!

And then, the kindly former mayor of the town spoke some of the worst dialog ever written in the history of books. Try reading this aloud with a straight face.

Cannot be done.

“I don’t know how much longer we’ll get to do this,” he confided. “Cities are getting sued left and right for acknowledging the true meaning of Christmas nowadays. And the local politicians with the guts to stand up to the protests are caving in like an Alyeska avalanche.”

“Caving in like an Alyeska avalanche?” That prose is about as elegant as a moose on ice skates in the middle of Lake Lucille after getting into a patch of fermented high-bush cranberries. As they say.

But the Mayor ratcheted up her steely spine, and despite all the looming threats from somewhere in the Lower 48, from some atheist who wanted to be hip, she boldly and courageously continued the tradition of putting up a nativity scene, and let the chips fall where they may. If Wasilla gave out medals for such a thing, she’d be a gosh-darn decorated War on Christmas Veteran – with a bronze star right on top of her almost life-sized Christmas tree brooch.

And at the moment she decided to become a Warrior for Plastic Jesus, a miraculous thing occurred…

“Just then, I got goosebumps. This may have been because I’d replaced my warm Bunny Boots for cool, high-heeled leather ones when I left City Hall. But more likely it was because I loved the idea of defending my hometown in a worthy cause.”

Wait.

Rewind.

These are the boots she was wearing at her job at City Hall.

And when she left to go unpack crates and stand in the snow to put up a nativity scene, she changed to these?

Hmmm. Either that, or it’s not true and she’s just a narcissistic fibber who wants people to think of her in high-heeled boots. We may never know.

As they rummage through the labeled crates looking for the one marked “Baby Jesus,”

“I noticed that the Mary figurine was stored below the sheep. That couldn’t have been a fun way to spend a year…”

Um. What?

…”her pale blue scarf covered her hair, and her face was frozen in perpetual admiration for her child, Jesus. Now that’s not a bad way to be stuck, I thought.”

Look, I don’t mean to be insensitive here, or stomp on Christmas joy like a liberal, or question what Teddy may have told you, but Madam Mayor… PLASTIC MARY IS NOT ALIVE! And neither are the sheep.

Don’t listen, Sarah. Don’t listen to the bad blogger. Only listen to Teddy.

Next on the roster in Chapter 2 is Christopher Hitchens!

Oh boy. Here we go.

Are we ready to hear Sarah Palin go up against Christopher Hitchens? He is dead now, so his margin of victory might not be quite as enormous, but that’s still a debate I want to see.

Sadly no. Even in his current condition, the late Mr. Hitchens is too formidable an intellectual foe. So, instead she’ll inform us that Christopher Hitchens had a brother, and his brother was not an atheist. That’s right. And his brother wrote a book about not being an atheist. And in this book he says that  the Soviet Union was communist, and that communism is linked to atheism, and that the Soviet Union collapsed because where there are atheists, moral decay follows. And therefore,

“Atheism’s track record makes the Spanish Inquisition seem like Disneyland in comparison.”

That analogy makes Jeffrey Dahmer seem like the Swedish Chef.

And I really didn’t see it coming until it was too late.

I’m no Christopher Hitchens, or Christopher Hitchens’ brother, but here’s a handy interactive map that might help us. It will show how Christianity spread across the globe convincing entire continents who didn’t believe in Jesus that they should change their ways. I’m sure it happened using means like persuasive literature, earnest conversation, and living a humble and decent life by example until the locals happily renounced their ways and got on board.

“Without God as an objective standard, who’s to say what’s wrong and what’s right? Morality becomes a matter of the human will, as each person decides what’s right and what’s wrong for himself.”

Well, there are “laws” but that doesn’t really fit the narrative.

Which is why atheists are abusive, horrible, adulterous, thieving, cheating, murdering, morally bankrupt criminals.

And Christians are benevolent, kind, faithful, thoughtful, giving, morally upright pacifists who never tell a lie.

And then, there’s Obamacare.

“Do you think a bureaucrat or ‘expert’ will write rules that are different from a secular leftist who views babies as expendable and older Americans as crippling cost centers?”

That’s right. We should have learned from the examples above that secular leftists HATE the babies (including the plastic ones in mangers) and HATE old people. Abortions and ice floes all around! They’re no better than “experts.” Let the purging begin!

And finally we wrap it up with horror stories of people who are offended by nativity scenes on public land, and lawsuits brought by the ACLU and the Freedom from Religion Foundation. We also learn some handy tips for dealing with all that hate.

• Try adding a Rudolph, or a Christmas tree, or a menorah. The courts don’t like the blatant religious advocacy, but if you confuse them and dilute the message, you may get away with it.
• If you get a threatening letter, fight it. If someone is offended, ignore them. Sometimes atheists get discouraged and go away.
• If you do get sued, there are thousands of conservative lawyers who will help you for free.
• Remember, “do not let political correctness dictate your surrender.”
• Our nation is in His hands.

And a final word about the real meaning of it all.

“As I’ve stated before, only dead fish go with the flow.”

Yes, you have stated that before. And no matter how many times you say it,  it’s still not true.

Go in peace.

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