GOP Senate Lightning Round!

Someone has smoked pot. Someone has committed a crime. Someone got a speeding ticket on the way to a 2nd Amendment rally. It was quite an evening.

Alaska’s Keystone Kops of conservatism took to the stage again for the GOP Senate primary debate. Falling all over each other to see who can get more conservative has become almost a sport. Like professional wrestling is a sport.

“I’ve been a conservative all my life!”

“I’ve been pro-life all my life!”

“I’ve been pro-second amendment all my life!”

“I challenge you to sign this pledge to keep out illegal immigrants!”

Yes, those things were said.

But you know the part of the debate you really want to hear. You’ll never admit it when you’re out there in polite society, but here, I know. You love the lightning round. No nuanced answers, no time to think. Just YES OR NO! Right now!

Well,  I’m here to give it to you. And I’ll start off by clarifying that these questions are all actual real questions.

Have you eaten salmon this week? (How was I surprised by this question? I do not know.)

Miller – Yes

Sullivan – Yes

Treadwell – 5 times!

Will you support the Republican nominee for Senate after the primary if you don’t win?

Treadwell – Yes

Sullivan – Yes

Miller – Long, long pause, and then…”Undecided.” (Ooooooo. Popcorn.)

Will you retire in Alaska?

Treadwell – Yes

Miller – Yes

Sullivan – Yes (At the risk of blatant editorializing here, that was a totally unconvincing answer)

Are you afraid of heights?  (WTF?)

All say no.

Do you support term limits?

All say yes.

Will you run negative ads in the general election?

Treadwell – no

Miller – I will run ads that are truthful. (read as yes)

Sullivan – I will run truthful ads. (read also as yes)

Do you need a college degree to be senator? (Mark Begich does not have one)

All three say no.

Have you ever been charged with a crime?

Sullivan – looks very uncomfortable. For a long time. Then says no, and that he “had to think about it.”

Treadwell – Says no, and then half laughing asks Sullivan, “Why did you have to think about it?”

Miller – Well… I brought a gun into the airport. So yes.

Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?

Miller – yes

Treadwell – yes

Sullivan – Yes, on my way to a second amendment rally!  (omg)

Have you ever been to Chilkoot Charlie’s bar?

All Yes

Have you ever smoked pot?

Miller – no.

Sullivan – no.

Treadwell – yes.

Do you support cuts in fed spending?  (Duh)

All yes

Do you support subsidies for bypass mail?

All yes

Did you write in Lisa Murkowski in the 2010 senate race?

Sullivan – Freezes. Looks panicked. Miller says, “The truth!” He says no, he didn’t.

(!!! So what this means is either he voted for Miller which is awkward. Or he voted for Scott McAdams the Democrat in that race, which is also awkward. OR, since he had declared his million dollar home in Maryland as his primary residence from 2006 to 2010, he wasn’t actually even eligible to vote in the state four years ago!) 

Treadwell – Yes

Miller – I circled and filled in the blank for Joe Miller!

Have you been to Koyuk?

All 3 say no.

Kipnuk?

All 3 say no.

Kake?

Sullivan – no

Miller – no

Treadwell – yes!

And there you have it. Closing statements Cliff Noted as follows:

Miller: I walk the talk. Other people are squishy and change their minds once they’re elected. I sign pledges and I’ll do what I say. I love freedom and liberty. I’m the most conservative ever. Also, I have a Mexican national son in law, and an Indonesian and an Indian in-law relative. I am not a racist, despite what they say.

Treadwell: I am an actual Alaskan. My mentors were the founders of the state, including Egan and Hickel and Ted Stevens and others. Also, I am conservative but not mean. And my opponents don’t know jack about the Arctic. Polls say I can win and I’ve actually won elections before.

Sullivan: “My fellow Alaskans” have no hope. But I say to “my fellow Alaskans” that you should have hope. And I love my country, and my poll says I’m ahead, not Mead Treadwell. My career has been about taking action for the state and country I love. Some day I will beat Mark Begich and get Harry Reid’s job as Senate Majority Leader. (He actually said the whole Harry Reid thing.)

Aaaaaand, curtain down.

Less than two weeks until election day, and early voting has started boys and girls!

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