Why Alaskans Hate the Government
You know that old song from the 70s, “If you can’t report on the governmental body you know, report on the governmental body you’re with.” Or something like that. Anyway, I’m here, so… DATELINE: DELTA JUNCTION, ALASKA – Somewhere south of the Granite Mountains, somewhere east of Fairbanks, west of the Canadian border, and squarely in the middle of what most Americans would call “nowhere.” The current temperature is about -20F with the wind chill factor. I don’t even know what it is without the wind chill factor because frankly, here, it doesn’t matter. Wind chill factor is everything. The…
Hey, Ohio! Get Your Own Mountain.
Let’s bust out the tiny sad violin for Ohio today, shall we? Apparently, Ohio is still all butt-hurt that Alaska took our mountain back. I speak, of course, of the former Mt. McKinley named after our 24th President who neither saw the mountain, nor went to Alaska. *Fun fact: The mountain had a name thousands of years before it got “named” McKinley. Denali is Athabascan for “the Great One.” Which it is. Other Alaska Native names for the mountain by people in the region were: Deenaalee, Deenadheet, Deenadhee, Diineezi, Denaze, Dengadh, Dengadhi, Denadhe, Dghelaay Ce’e, Deghilaay Ce’e, Dghelay Ka’a, and…
Big Ideas for a Big State
By Howard Weaver President Obama’s recent attention to Alaska — especially in Dillingham, Kotzebue and Seward — provides a welcome focus for looking beyond the bleak landscape of oil price collapse and budget cuts toward a brighter, more sustainable future. For perhaps the first time since western contact, Alaskans may be motivated to turn away from the love-em-and-leave-em dynamics of extraction to embrace their genuine treasures: the cultural diversity and frontier spirit of its people; an abundance of renewable resources that can be managed and sustained forever; and indigenous wisdom from the North that can benefit all mankind. Seward, then…
Obama Comes to Alaska: We Have to Break the Ice, so We Can Save It.
As I drove, I imagined having to explain to a Secret Service agent that the reason my boots set off the sniffer dog is because the last two places I wore them were a pig farm and a gun show respectively. So, there was a perfectly good explanation why I smelled of gunpowder, and fertilizer. “No really! I swear! I still have the pictures on my phone!” I was glad I had allowed extra time. I had allowed so much extra time, it turns out, that I was the first member of the press at Joint Base Elmendorf Richardson (JBER) and waited in…
Obama Comes to Alaska: We Have to Save the Ice so We Can Break It
As I drove, I imagined having to explain to a Secret Service agent that the reason my boots set off the sniffer dog is because the last two places I wore them were a pig farm and a gun show respectively. So, there was a perfectly good explanation why I smelled of gunpowder, and fertilizer. “No really! I swear! I still have the pictures on my phone!” I was glad I had allowed extra time. I had allowed so much extra time, it turns out, that I was the first member of the press at Joint Base Elmendorf Richardson (JBER) and waited in…
Whiny Sullivan Operative Must Work in Hellhole
Outside Republican Sullivan operatives haven’t quite figured out how the internets work. Senate candidate Dan Sullivan is having a hard time convincing people he’s from Alaska. Most of his contributions are from Ohio, because… well, he’s from Ohio. And while he may be sticking around Alaska long enough to try to get a Senate job in DC, some of his campaigners can’t wait to get out of this godforsaken hellhole populated by dumb rubes. (Psst! Hey, “RepublicanPolitico,” we can hear you!) Yes, Sullivan’s guns for hire pulled field programs in October because of the weather. Nahhh… nobody does any field work in…
We Must Retire Don Young, and Here’s Why
I was about 10 when I heard a sermon I will never forget. The speaker that day drew a few gasps from the congregation of the Homer Christian Church when he disagreed with a passage from the Bible. He quoted from 1 Corinthians, Ch. 13, the passage you often hear at weddings: “Faith, Hope and Love, the greatest of these is love.” “That’s not true,” he said. “The greatest of these is hope.” He explained that his father had committed suicide. There was no shortage of love in their family. His father had simply lost hope that the pain of…
Reefer Madness Comes to Alaska
I knew immediately this debate was going to be contentious. I was sitting on the left side of the auditorium when the woman next to me popped out of her seat like a Jack in the box. “I’m moving!” she said. “The legals are on this side, and the illegals are on the other side. I’m going to sit with the illegals!” “I’m going to sit with the illegals” isn’t a sentence you hear very much these days. I’m a “legal” for a number of reasons, and I wanted to explain to my former neighbor that this wasn’t like a wedding with…
Judge Confirms Lt. Gov’s Incompetence
The job of Alaska’s Lieutenant Governor really has only two duties to speak of. 1) Care and maintenance of the state seal. Not the animal – that would be hard, and require lots of work. I’m talking about the little round metal disc that turns stuff official. I don’t really know what care and maintenance that seal requires, but I’m guessing there might be buffing involved, or maybe some kind of chemical paste and a soft lint-free cloth. Perhaps it’s nestled in a velvet-lined wooden box, and needs to be checked on from time to time, to make sure nobody’s…
God Hates Alaska Native Culture Says WBC
Fred Phelps, the founder of Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas is dead and gone, but the institution of intolerance and hatred is still on the march, and headed to Alaska. WBC has a long history of organizing anti-gay protests, and picketing military and other funerals with crude and offensive signs. Now, Westboro Baptist Church has announced plans to picket the Alaska Native Heritage Center in Anchorage on the morning of June 1. Why, you ask? A news release posted on GodHatesFags.com, replete with Bible quotations, states two reasons for protesting the Alaska Heritage Center. “…you make a religion out of…