That got me to wondering what the lawmaker-corporation conferences were like. You see, Alaska politicians got report cards this week too. Since the Citizens United decision that granted corporations unlimited campaign contributions under the guise of “free speech,” corporate political war chests have swollen — overflowing with First Amendment freedoms that buy influence and dictate policy in our state.

The Corrupt Bastards Club was ahead of its time. What sent former Veco CEO, CBC ringleader and convicted felon Bill Allen to jail is now legal. If you’re a corporation and you want to buy politicians and shape public policy to maximize profits — often at the expense of regular Alaskans — you no longer have to conceal your influence behind the smoke and sleaze of Room 604 at the Baranof Hotel. You can fund the Alaska Chamber of Commerce, the Resource Development Council, The Alliance and Prosperity Alaska Project under the light of day, file everything with APOC and have a luncheon.

Before you start thinking I hate corporations, breathe. They’re merely fulfilling their fiduciary obligation to their shareholders. I don’t hate sharks for being sharks. That’s their job.

This week, the shark report card came out, courtesy of the now-legal CBC 2.0., backed and funded by Alaska’s corporate giants. They issued their annual fake ranking of legislators and paraded the results around.

Every year they rank extreme Republicans above moderate Republicans and Democrats who, in many cases, voted the same way. They use their fake rankings to pressure legislators to favor their interests over the public’s.

They list their criteria on their report card website. Allow me to interpret their terms:

Fiscal Responsibility — Get an A if you attempt to cut Alaska’s revenue streams while spending like a drunken sailor.

Oil Tax Reform — Gold star if you actively support Gov. Seanoco Parnellips’ Big Oil Bailout for the wealthiest multinational corporations in the history of civilization.

Regulatory Streamlining — Top grade if you eliminated rules that could impede the capture of maximum profits, even if people or the environment suffer.

Litigation Reform — “Super Star” if you made sure citizens can’t use the courts to keep corporations from doing whatever they want.

General Business Climate — Another gold star if you publicly fretted that “Alaska is closed for business” because some corporation couldn’t do something it wanted to do.

This week, two legislators held a press conference stating their opposition to the anti-business brush with which they were painted. Rep. Les Gara and Sen. Bill Wielechowski defended their records. Rep. Gara voted for every economic development bill that came through the House, except for the bloated capital budget. On every passing Senate vote having to do with business or economic development, Wielechowski voted the exact same way as Sens. Meyer, McGuire and Menard. Those three were labeled “Champions” and received a “grade” of B or higher. Sen. Wielechowski didn’t make the list. Apparently he’s not the shark’s pet.

The general manager of The Alliance, Rebecca Logan, sat in the front row rudely shrieking, “You lie.” In school, her behavior would have resulted in a march to the principal’s office.

Frankly, I was surprised our Conoco lobbyist/governor only received a B+. Didn’t he get extra credit for being one of the Exxon attorneys who fought the state and wounded Alaska fishermen? So quickly sharks forget.

Maybe next year he’ll get extra credit for his recent appointments. Tesoro lobbyist and former head of the Alaska Chamber of Commerce Kip Knudson was tapped to replace the invaluable John Katz as director of state and federal relations in Washington, D.C. Knudson’s credentials include his successful effort to kill legislative hearings to investigate price gouging at Alaska gas pumps. Alicia Egan, the executive director of Prosperity Alaska, was also just appointed to a position in the Parnell administration. Funny thing. Last year Kip and Alicia were among those grading the governor and now they have shiny new jobs. For those of you keeping score, that’s politics as usual.

I’m sure Parnell will earn bonus points for suing the Lake and Penninsula Borough over a recent mining initiative. Saved the Pebble Partnership the expense of doing it. And of course boroughs have all the money in the world to fight the state.

The Senate minority — those four Republicans who refuse to play with others and would no doubt get a “bad attitude” grade if they were in school, got a B+. Really? The Senate majority got an F. I guess developing solutions and working across the aisle is frowned upon. At parent-teacher conferences, this would be described as “shows leadership and works well with others.”

The House majority — all Republicans — were given “Super Star” status for voting to maximize corporate profits and essentially violate their oaths of office to maximize benefits for all Alaskans. By voting for HB 110, the House majority agreed to give $2 billion to the oil producers with zero incentives for increased production.

The House majority voted for the governor’s oil bailout despite record employment and exploration on the North Slope this year and an increase in Conoco’s third-quarter earnings and profits statement just released.

House Finance co-chair Bill Stoltze created a bloated capital budget by adding hundreds of millions of dollars during the final week of the legislative session. (Talk about fiscal responsibility!) If the House majority had its way, Alaska’s $15 billion savings account would be depleted within 10 years and we’d be deficit spending next year. But they are “Super Stars.”

Our legislators have sworn an oath to the people of Alaska, not to corporate clusters. I get it, sharks are scary. In Juneau, you have a choice: You can either toe the corporate line or become shark bait. It takes character and integrity to stand up on behalf of Alaskans. So when you hear about the Alaska Business Report Card, remember, when it comes to Alaska’s best interests, A is for Adversary and F is for Friend.