2012 Parting Shots

If you live in the Lower 48, you may be under the illusion that your state knows how to do “trashy” and “no way—that’s not for real!” It doesn’t. Not compared to Alaska. So sit back with some popcorn and check out the pros.

Parenting Fail

If you’re going to engage your own son in LSD-fueled hand-to-hand combat in the street over a woman (!), at least don’t do it in the nude. In Spenard, that makes you such a cliché.

Poor Kids Get Baked

Speaking of excessive nudity, House Finance Co-Chair Bill Stoltze refused to allow a vote on the child nutrition bill (SB3) that would provide a 15 cent lunch and 35 cent breakfast to 52,000 Alaskan children in need. Better known as The Naked Baker, Mr. Stoltze was previously noted for his horrifying feats of pastry and for being the catalyst of illegal coordination between the Republican Governors Association and the 2006 Palin for Governor campaign.

Got milk? He’s bringing the cookies.

Andrew & His Stern Editor

During Campaign 2012, former State Rep. and incoming President of the Anchorage Chamber of Commerce Andrew Halcro penned a vicious column about State Sen. Lesil McGuire’s “alcohol fueled meltdowns,” intimating her to be an immature, dysfunctional drunk, reminding us of her UFC style courtship with a noted film star, and that the senator prefers a combative approach to air travel. Ouch. Then, as quickly as it appeared on his blog, Halcro’s evisceration of McGuire disappeared into the series of tubes. What happened? Turns out a strategically placed call from the aggrieved to US Sen. Lisa Murkowski, before whom Andrew doth genuflect, will get Alaska’s most beloved snarky metrosexual to reconsider his prose, and fast.

Union vs. Unity

The entire basis of unions is solidarity. It’s from whence they derive their power: “Management may have the money, but we have strength in numbers if we stick together.” And if by “solidarity” you mean “I’ve got mine and screw everyone else,” then Alaska’s Teamsters top your list of fantastic labor organizations. When our state losing $2 billion per year in tax breaks for Big Oil results in teachers, firefighters and other public employees getting downsized, hey man, it’s not the Teamsters’ problem. Need a token union to sell out its “brothers and sisters” in the rest of labor, so Gov. Parnell can claim his corporate welfare gambit is “supported by working people?” Alaska’s Teamsters stand ready to take their Vaudeville act to a corporate Astroturf “rally” near you. They’re like the African-American speaker recruited to make a Republican convention look diverse.

“AFL-CI WHO?” Teamster Barbara Huff Tuckness gazes upon the gubernatorial dreamboat.

We Didn’t Know Dick

But now, alas, we do. The eponymously named Alan Dick was, until recently, an actual elected official in the Alaska State House of Representatives. Though his legislative tenure was brief, his place in Alaska’s notorious political history is secure. It is he who who said out loud “if I thought that the man’s signature was required… required, in order for a woman to have an abortion, I’d have a little more peace about it…” After the internets exploded and Mr. Dick indicated receiving “several phone calls from women” telling him exactly what they thought of his permission slip idea, he apologized and promised he “will be more careful in how I phrase my thoughts in the future.” Fortunately, those future thought phrasings won’t be from the capitol. Congratulations to Rep. David Guttenberg (D) for giving Mr. Dick a permission slip to go home.

“Not Worth Educating”

Dick was not to be outdone, as fellow Republican Mark Ewing of Wasilla was also caught red-handed saying what he actually thinks. Sharing his philosophy about special education during a primary debate, Ewing intoned “we are spending millions and millions of dollars educating children that have a hard time making their wheelchair move and, I’m sorry, but you’ve got to say, ‘no’ somewhere. We need to educate our children, but there are certain individuals that are just not going to benefit from an education.” When Ewing’s PR disaster firestorm hit, he decided to double down and roast some marshmallows by telling us “. . .that was a response that isn’t politically correct. But I’m going to use a quote from Jack Nicholson and that is, ‘most people can’t handle the truth.” Throw in a couple of racist Facebook posts about shooting illegal immigrants on sight, and even in Wasilla you hand your opponent the race.

BP knows how to shovel it.

Shoreline Enhancement Company Now Accepting Resumés

Instead of going the Teamster route and simply shilling for Big Oil from her day job, Mark Begich’s press secretary cut out the middle man and hopped directly onto BP’s payroll. A Begich press flak since his days in local government, Julie Hasquet was basically job-trained on the public’s dime for her eventual employment with one of the world’s most evil multinational corporations. Since we all paid for her professional development and networking in the corridors of power, we feel truly invested in her and look forward to exciting press releases about how totally awesome BP has been for the Gulf of Mexico.

Untimely & Inappropriate Baby Name

Levi Johnston is unlikely to see much competition in this category after going with “Breeze Beretta” for his baby girl. Yes, he explained, it’s in honor of the gun.

Which of these is not like the other?

And By “Live” We Mean “Dead”

For conservative broadcasters in Alaska, the demographic bar has already been set quite low. It’s like running a vegan joint in Berkeley or a pub in Dublin; you don’t even have to be good—there’s a built-in audience and somebody will show up. Even former inmates and racist mouthbreathers can enjoy a modicum of local success here, so it’s a bit stunning that Channel 13 lost its surefire bet on the uninformed and shrill.

Alas, even here The Party Planner Show could not survive its own dimwitted host star and was promptly cancelled due to lack of interest. Otherwise known as Alaska Live with Bernadette, the mercifully brief train wreck featured She Who Was Once, Uhm, On “The Mayoral Staff”—now sitting on her booster seat, ensconced in a shell of her own hairspray, and gazing doe-eyed at anyone with a Y chromosome while making Dave Stieren sound like Aristotle.

To be fair, in her midday time slot The Party Planner was up against programming powerhouses like The Price is Right reruns and that mesmerizing test of the Emergency Broadcast System. So we bid you happy trails, Ms. Planner, and surely we’ll see you around somewhere. The GOP loves a squeaky toy.

At least 14 if you count her: an unintended visual pun.

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