The Naked Baker Must Go

If you are a Mudflats reader, you know him as The Naked Baker. Bill Stoltze may have earned his moniker by his unfortunate hobby of baking cookies for charity auctions in the nude, but sadly this is not the most horrifying thing about this Alaska legislator.

Stoltze figured heavily into the book I co-authored, “Blind Allegiance to Sarah Palin” (with Frank Bailey and Ken Morris, Simon & Schuster, 2011), for something worse. He was the force behind the coordination of the 2006 Sarah Palin for Governor campaign, and the Republican Governor’s Association then headed by Mitt Romney. Sounds important, like something you’d put on a resume, except for one thing – it’s illegal.

I refer you to page 123 in which Frank Bailey refuses to comply with Stoltze’s request to coordinate on the grounds of that illegality.

Stoltze’s reply:

“Don’t you lecture me on what’s f****** illegal. I’m a lawmaker! I know the rules!”

It’s good to know the rules before you break them. It’s also good to be charming and work well with people.

Stoltze is also the stellar individual who used his powerful position as co-chair of the finance committee to stonewall a program which would have provided breakfasts and lunches for needy kids who couldn’t afford that meal otherwise. Jesus totally would have done that. Blessed are the stingy for they will force children to pull themselves up by the bootstraps.

Outrage from the public prompted a petition site which explains:

In February of 2011, the Alaskan State Senate held a vote on Senate Bill 3. At a cost of just 50 cents per child per day, the bill would allow the state to fund school breakfasts and lunches for 52,000 Alaskan children in need. The estimated total yearly spending on the bill would amount to less than one tenth of one percent of Alaska’s state budget. 

Senate Bill 3 passed with a nearly unanimous vote. But for over a year, the bill has languished in the Alaska State House of Representatives. Republican Bill Stoltze, Co-Chair of the House Finance Committee, has refused to allow a House vote on the bill.

Tell Representative Stoltze to stop paying politics with child hunger! Urge him to allow the Alaska State House of Representatives to hold a fair vote on Senate Bill 3.  

He was also the powerhouse behind the gutting of Alaska’s film incentive program that brought us the productions of movies like Big Miracle (Everybody Loves Whales), and The Frozen Ground. Alaska hasn’t had a major film project in the last 3 years in case you haven’t noticed. That’s because the sensibilities of Mr. Stoltze forced the program to be rewritten into something so restrictive and unappealing that the only thing Alaska can now boast is a couple dozen reality shows many of which make Alaskans look like idiots. I guess that’s something Stoltze understands. Instead of fostering a budding industry and focusing on creating jobs and training future local industry leaders, he decided to kill it instead. Way to go.

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So, why bring all this up now?

Mr. Stoltze, apparently, had high hopes for his position in the House – namely he decided he wanted to be the Speaker thereof. But his tendency to yell at staff – his own and others, and use his position on the finance committee to wield economic blackmail power over the legislature made him unpopular in the halls of the Capitol in Juneau on both sides. Go figure.

So, what’s a poor power-hungry asshat to do?

Well, Mr. Stoltze decided to break his red crayon, and run instead for the State Senate.

Fortunately, this time Mr. Stoltze has a running mate who is a viable contender. Patricia Chesbro is a former teacher and principal of Palmer High School in the district for which the two are now running. She knows a thing or two about kids, and even has some of her own. She also knows, as all good moms do, that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and pennies per student is a sound investment not only for the children who will be fed, but for the other students in the class, and the teachers charged with keeping things in order. It’s easier to teach when your class isn’t hungry.

Pat Chesbro, candidate running against Bill Stoltze for Alaska Senate District F

Mr. Stoltze, who would like to control things that aren’t his – other people’s money, children, beleaguered staffers, and uteruses – needs a career change. He really hasn’t done much other than be a politician, but we’re sure that he can find something out there – perhaps a cafeteria worker in a local elementary school. A warning to our future former legislator – they have a dress code in the cafeteria which involves… being dressed.

So, mark your calendars because Chesbro is having a fundraiser soon.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014, from 5:30 to 8:00pm at The Grape Tap, 322 N. Boundary St. in Wasilla

It’s $100 for a ticket, and you can call 907-841-9830 for tickets

The invite includes:

• Yummy appetizers, beer, wine and soft drinks
• An opportunity to talk with the candidate
• A silent auction with tasty treats and more

I know what you’re thinking, so I actually checked on this and made sure that all of the food items at the fundraiser will be prepared by people who are clothed.

I also know what you are thinking… Pictures or the naked baking didn’t happen. Well, if you think about it, not having photographic evidence in this case is probably a good thing. But for those who insist on a mental picture, here is my eerily lifelike sketch of what it may have looked like.

If you can’t make it to the party, please consider dropping a few coins in the box for an outstanding candidate who has made a career of caring for kids, working with a diverse community, and making the world a better place.

Campaign Website

Donation Page

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