19th Amendment Solutions

It’s not a secret that every few years I’m asked who the Democrats should run against Republican Rep. Paul Seaton of Homer. Every time I tell them they’d be better off spending their money against one of the Republican Future Felons from the Mat-Su. Mr. Seaton is a respected fisherman and responsible legislator, one held in high regard by his community.

The nastiest races in our fair state are often the Republican-on-Republican primaries. Outside interests pay to flood our boxes with scary flyers promising gloom and doom if we elect their unchosen. Oh, the horrors!

According to them, Homer’s Seaton and Palmer’s Rep. Jim Colver are no good, terrible, very bad men and must be replaced with more Muppet-like candidates prepared to put their financial patrons’ interests ahead of those of everyday Alaskans.

Case in point: In Anchorage, Rep. Craig Johnson sent out a mailer calling opponent Jeff Landfield “Alaska’s worst nightmare” and included a photo of Landfield in a Speedo swimsuit. Funny thing is, Johnson in a suit and tie and a chair in the Capitol is 10 times the nightmare.

I’m not sure where you spent this soggy week, but I’ve been holed up smoking fish and making jelly. In case you wondered, the blueberry brine recipe in the paper is really interesting. And hot peppers and salmonberries get along well on toast, if you cook them long enough and add sugar.

All things considered, the fine folks of Homer would rather fight about brine recipes than figure out who drove over the campaign sign in their yard. That kind of nasty is very un-Homer.

The stack of discarded campaign literature at the post office is one way to figure out what might be fueling our discord.

A flyer from the organization Alaskans For Birth — also known by the misnomer Alaska Right To Life — includes a photo of Seaton manipulated to make him look more dark-eyed and -skinned than he is. “Paul Seaton is Dangerous to our Kids,” the Birthers warn.

Their flyer instructs us to call Seaton and tell him “it’s UNACCEPTABLE for our children to be subjected to Planned Parenthood’s marketing machine!” That’s a little puzzling unless you understand that explaining birth control to pubescent students is the Birthers’ idea of in-school pornography.

Which explains why Seaton’s challenger, Beth Wythe, is telling us she’d vote to defund Planned Parenthood — if only she could. And that might be an idea worth considering — on the day after we eradicate sexually transmitted disease, breast cancer, ovarian cancer, cervical cancer, testicular cancer and unintended and unwanted pregnancies. Until then, a very bad, hurtful idea.

Ms. Wythe said in a debate that climate change is “controversial,” her favorite book is the Bible, marijuana is the gateway to ruinous drug addiction, and we urgently need to lay off the regulation and taxation of industry. Wonder if we can figure out who’s cutting checks for her race?

Her problem with fellow Republican Seaton? He’s not ideological or dogmatic enough, obviously. He might think for himself, rather than phone it in as a paint-by-numbers ALEC clone. Can’t have that.

She explained if she’s elected, she’ll go to Juneau to represent everyone who supports the Republican Party platform. The rest of us, not so much.

News flash, lady. When elected officials are sworn in, it isn’t to represent a party platform. It’s to perform a constitutional duty. You’re there to represent people who didn’t vote for you, as well as those who did, because THAT’S THE JOB.

On the other hand, don’t feel bad, people who’ve been in Juneau for years still haven’t figured that out.

The outfit underwriting the effort to defeat Seaton and Colver is called “The Accountability Project.” That’s accountability to the oil industry, in case you haven’t been in Alaska long. Seaton and Colver both had the audacity not to join the successors to Bill Allen’s Corrupt Bastards.

The Accountability Project is run by Scott Hawkins, president of Advanced Supply Chain International, an oil field support company. Hawkins was formerly an agent of “Prosperity Alaska,” the oil-industry front group that promised if we lowered oil taxes the oil would start flowing big time.

So we did, which explains the fine fiscal shape of our beloved state. Oh, come on, you remember. That was right before the 2016 Republican-controlled Legislature decided Alaskans should fund those tax breaks with a big chunk of their Permanent Fund dividends. I think Scott and Co. forgot to mention that we were going to pay individually for the oil companies’ “prosperity.”

For those seeking clarity, these are the same people that cycle through these oil industry shill groups. They just change the names and shuffle around the money to disguise where it’s coming from.

As reported by ADN’s Nathaniel Hertz this week, the Accountability Project’s biggest donations came from the Republican State Leadership Committee, which is just a shell for the tobacco company Reynolds American, the Koch brothers and Pfizer Pharmaceuticals.

I take my 19th Amendment right very seriously. It’s sacred. It’s not for sale. I’m pretty sure I won’t be bumping into Pfizer or Reynolds at the local farmers market or the fuel dock. Hawkins isn’t going to help you draw up a new household budget based on shrunken PFDs. And the Birthers aren’t going to stop by to offer babysitting services to teenage mothers.

So, I guess, let’s see if the voters fall for this ruse one more time.

Lucy, just hold that football still . . .

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