Good Tidings & Great Pain – The Rill Dill

The invisible war is come. It is insidious. It lurks out of your conscious mind, weaving its evil spell. You don’t even know it’s happening because the War on Christmas is cleverly disguised… as Christmas itself. It’s like the monster under your bed, disguised as a sock. Or that person following your car five miles back that you never really see. But ohhhhh, he’s there. It’s all designed to lull you into believing that monsters don’t exist, and that the CIA is not following you to the mall. Clever. Veeeeery clever.

But not clever enough for Sarah Palin.

We’re still in Chapter 3 of her book Good Tidings and Great Joy, entitled “The Real Thing,” or as Palin often calls it, “the rill dill.” Sarah didn’t get her coveted Walkman for Christmas. Instead, she got a dictionary and learned that “words have meaning.” And now, we’re going to find out how she’s strung a bunch of them together in some kind of order in order to try to make a “thought.”

This is SO not a Walkman.

Here’s the gist. People don’t “get it” when you talk about the War on Christmas. Because it really seems like, with all the Christmas stuff around, and all the decorations, and music, and hustle and bustle, and people taking the day off to celebrate, and putting up trees, and singing carols that Christmas is just fine… BUT IT IS NOT FINE. Not fine at all.

“The essence of Christmas is being lost,” she says, because malls play “Santa Baby” and “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” in addition to “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” and “O Holy Night.” It’s become all about cars with giant bows, and the green-and-reddification of society. It’s too commercialized. (If you find yourself agreeing with this, remember it for later. Trust me. You’ll see.)

We must remember that it is better to give than to receive – especially to children. When Palin’s eldest son Track got back from Afghanistan, he took a video of his sister Bristol’s son Tripp on Christmas morning. And there was an adorable little exchange.

Tripp: All this for me? And I wasn’t even very good!

Track: That’s cool.

Melty heart, melty heart.

I’m quite sure if Elizabeth Warren had told this little story about her grandchild, we’d have been warned with a waggling bony finger about Santa the Socialist giving free stuff to people who feel entitled, but have done nothing to deserve it. “I wasn’t even very good???” Then you get coal, Mister Tripp. Coal. Or maybe if you’re damn lucky, a pair of boot straps. Because otherwise, tomorrow you’ll be waiting in line for your free Obamaphone. Or the food stamps. Or affordable health care. Liberals are training the youth to be lazy and expect special treatment, even if they behave badly. If you want something, goshdarnit, get off your butt and earn it.

You want a toy? Then be GOOD. Until then, fire up that lump of coal; it might keep you from dying of hypothermia so you can use that time to think about your crappy work ethic. Your welcome you entitled little parasite.

Have you ever seen them in the same place? Ever wonder about that?

But Tripp is not a liberal child, ergo, we have an entirely different takeaway, which is this:

“This may have been Tripp’s first lesson in unearned, amazing grace.”

Santa – Not unAmurrikan socialist mastermind, giver of amazing grace.

Forgive us Santa, for we have sinned – but we still want stuff!

OK, little one. Grace has gotcha covered.

And don’t think the Palin’s overdo. They draw names out of hats for the grownups and each adult buys a gift for only one other person. “Otherwise we’d grow debt as fast as Nancy Pelosi!” <—– That is an actual quote from the book.  I believe Ronald Reagan or George Bush was the analogy she was struggling to find. But she probably consulted the list of “references that have to be included in the book,” and “Nancy Pelosi zinger” hadn’t been crossed off yet.

Nancy Pelosi zinger

There. That felt good.

Next up is a little history lesson about the historical event of Jesus’ birth. Even public school teachers, and bartenders in saloons, and “self-proclaimed academic elites at modern universities” believe that Jesus existed. They just don’t really know when he was born – exactly. So what did they do? It was a clever solution.

Sarah explains that Christians decided it would be good to coordinate the timing of the celebration of Christmas with other popular pagan celebrations that were going on at the time, like Saturnalia and Solstice. But over time, things changed. And I quote:

“those old pagan celebrations faded into obscurity because they weren’t grounded in much of anything but myth, while Christmas gained ever more prominence and meaning. Does that mean Christmas won the war on Saturnalia? You bet. And it shows the incredible power of even new traditions to shape culture.”

So, follow along with me – Old traditions which are grounded in myth are subject to being taken over by new, and more modern celebrations which more accurately reflect the current thinking, and speak to the culture of the times. AND THAT’S OK. Because winter holidays evolve, making way for new types of thinking that usurp old ways. It’s just part of the cycle of things, and it’s happened before.

And therefore… the more modern celebration of the cultural and secular aspects of Christmas, and the non-religious celebration of good cheer, winter festival, and peace on earth, and all those other holidays that might fall under the “Happy Holidays” blanket, including the ones that were celebrated before Christmas, are absolutely NOT OK. Because Christmas is true, and everything else is false. Christianity is the only thing that’s real, and that’s why they got to take over. And that means all other religions and secular traditions are wrong. So suck it.

Change and adaptation are great, until they’re not. Because that, my friends, is not Christian.

If we’re clear on that point, the history lesson will continue:

“So, fast-forward a few years and move over to a different continent.”

And by fast-forwarding a few years, we conveniently skip over a couple millenia, and that whole genocide of the heathens in North America who didn’t believe in Christmas because they were too busy dancing around fires, and living off the land. And the Christians that came in and wiped them out were totally different than the atheist communists in Chapter 1 who proved by their misdeeds that they are bad and Christians are good, because they would never do such a thing on account of their superior moral code.

Politically correct time machine. Do not look at the genocide. Nothing to see here. Move along.

In 1870 the federal government said that Christmas was a holiday. A federal holiday. Not Saturnalia – Christmas. And we ignore all those other holidays that have not been recognized by the feds, and the ones that have. Because we can’t stand the feds, until they do something we can use to illustrate a “point.”

Sarah graciously gives us all permission to “take turns hugging bark” if we want to, but “it doesn’t change the reason for the federal holiday.”

And then we come to the whole commercialization of Christmas, which shouldn’t be all about gifts and presents, remember? And corporations and capitalism are also trying to appeal to people who celebrate other things like Hannukah and Solstice, just so businesses can make a buck. They want to be inclusive and not insult people because all they want to do is be profitable and sell lots of stuff. So they say things like “Happy Holidays” and “Savings of the Season” and “Gather Round.”

“We wouldn’t want the few remaining Saturnalia celebrators to deprive their kids of Solstice treats, eh?” quoth she.

Or you know, jewish people – who, incidentally, were around before Christians. It’s totally true, just ask Jesus.

Target, Walgreens, and Macy’s are specifically singled out for Palin’s wrath for not using the word “Christmas,” but instead making vague references to “the 25th” and “holiday ornaments” and “seasonal stockings” and such things. They clearly hope to pull one over on non-Christmas celebrators. The stealth market for Jewish stockings has gone largely untapped until this devious marketing strategy was implemented.

American Eagle clearly hates Jesus and does not realize that the Christian reality trumped everyone else’s myth when Christmas became acknowledged by the feds.

“Why the paranoia?” she asks. And wait for this – it even happens in Walmart “believe it or not” she gasps. EVEN WALMART! She recollects an interview, when Walmart came to Wasilla, with a reporter who wondered why it was the event of the season.

“I responded by stating the obvious. ‘Because it’s cheap…'”

And now, in the ultimate Christian betrayal, all the customers who go to Walmart stores or even their website, are insulted with wishes for “Happy Holidays.” It’s a travesty that Walmart doesn’t print signage for their stores to hang over the aisles filled with all that desirable cheap crap from China (a non-Christian nation), so we can fill our carts with unnecessary junk for a holiday Sarah Palin feels has become too materialistic and commercialized. “Merry Christmas” signs in retail stores is really the way to fix it so people understand the true meaning of the birth of Jesus. Amen.

And then, Sarah Palin figures it out. It’s like the moment when the Grinch is surrounded by those lines of light, and his eyes open wide, and suddenly, an epiphany!

“Corporate honchos probably figured the all-encompassing “Happy Holidays” would offend the fewest number of customers.”

IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE! She’s gone and figgered out the whole cause of the “War on Christmas!” People want to offend the fewest number of other people. They are trying to not upset people. They don’t wish to be non-inclusive. And THAT, my friends, will not stand. I’m pretty sure if Jesus were here today, he’d be all about maximizing offense, and lack of political correctness. Turn the other cheek? I don’t think so. Christmas – in your FACE. Good will toward Christians. Isn’t that the saying?

And for those of you who still don’t get it, I’ll leave you with a little Palin parable that should explain the entire thing. You might want to add a little extra jigger of something to your eggnog for this one. It’s another little story. Remember the angry atheist liberal who went to Bethlehem, Pennsylvania? Well it’s time to put on your imagination hat for another hypothetical story…

(The screen goes all wiggly to the accompaniment of ambiguous harp music, and then focuses in on Sarah and Todd)

Our scene is set in Las Vegas. Sarah is doing a speaking tour (in Sin City for some reason) and Todd is getting ready to race in the Iron Dog snowmachine race in Alaska tomorrow, but he’s managed to meet up with Sarah for her birthday. She teases her hair, and races to the lobby for a fabulous birthday meet up.

“Happy mid-February Day.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“Well, a lot has happened on this day in history. How can I narrow down to just one event that might be more interesting to me than the next? Today is the day Gen. Eisenhower was chosen to command the allied armies in Europe, Bill Parcells was named head coach of the New York Jets, and Janet Reno was chosen to be the first female attorney general. This is a big darn day.”
“Yes,” I say, rolling my eyes, “but it’s also my birthday.”
“Do you not respect the Greatest Generation?” he responds, indignant. “General Eisenhower helped to win World War II. Not to mention that Valentine’s Day is coming up. And don’t forget Groundhog Day.”
I look at him dumbfounded. “You’re taking me for carrot cake in part to honor Janet Reno?

That’s right boys and girls. Major religious federal holidays are the same as individual birthdays. And Sarah Palin is just like Jesus Christ.

Amen.

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