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Friday, January 28, 2022

Alaska Slugfest!

What is it about us Alaskans that we just can’t seem to avoid a good slug fest?

We even had one at Mudflats Central this afternoon. When the rain stopped, everything was going really well. I was hanging out with the guests watching them check out the welcome mat, and admire the slate. You really couldn’t have asked for a more relaxed and cordial gathering… when suddenly an attractive but obnoxious gang of uninvited thugs arrived from the north. There was screeching and squawking, and preening of feathers – the whole family. It just made you want to plug your ears or shoo them away. And then, almost inevitably, violence erupted – seemingly unproved! The interlopers attacked! It was carnage, plain and simple.

Magpies. Of course. I’m talking about magpies and slugs. I’ll leave it to you to make any analogies you feel are warranted.

There were 15 or 20 of the winged hooligans on the driveway, all fighting over the slug banquet that was brought to the surface by the rain, and laid out before them. I ran for the camera but my quick movements alarmed the ruffians, and they dispersed before I returned.

Unlike the Palins’ slugfest, there wan no actual blood, as the guests were eaten whole. Nor were any minor children left sleeping in stretch Hummers, or intoxicated mommies punching in the face gentlemen hosting parties. There was no beer, nobody ripped their shirts off, and no profanity occurred in word or deed.

I cannot guarantee that one of those magpies didn’t shriek out, “Don’t you know who I am?” because I don’t speak magpie. But it’s not out of the realm of possibility if you considered body language and tone.

You will be happy to know that these particular photographic subjects were safe on the stoop with me, and the unruly flock of marauders went back from whence they came, leaving the survivors to comment on the dramatic events of the day.


“They weren’t even invited. They just showed up out of nowhere and it all went to hell… It was like the Jerry Springer Show.”


“This wasn’t ‘that kind of party,’ you know? It was all really mellow. We weren’t looking for a fight.”



“It really got violent. They just kept pecking, and pecking, and pecking…And now they’re saying WE started it! “



“‘This isn’t some damn Alaska Birdbilly reality show!’ I wanted to yell… But I can’t yell.”


“Look! We even have a Welcome Mat. We tried to be hospitable. Next year we’re just gonna keep it in the grass.”


“It’s the sense of entitlement that gets to me. Finally it was like… you’ve eaten 50 guests. You need to go.”



13 Responses to “Alaska Slugfest!”
  1. mike from iowa says:

    Stuff you might not realize about slugs. Behind every slug is a track. Every slug has 2 bristles of hair sticking up. Willow tastes better than dogwood. Plain looking slugs could be pipers.Slugs don’t take long trips. Garden slugs pale in comparison to magpies.

    • slipstream says:

      Slugs quit halfway through, but they were doing such a lousy job anyway, it’s hard to tell they’ve quit.

  2. Molly says:

    OMG Jeanne….hilarious!

  3. Krubozumo Nyankoye says:

    And the magpies sorely insulted.

  4. mike from iowa says:

    A legal eagle for the uninvited flock defies anyone to find a single cracked rib on any slug at the alleged slugfest. Slugs retorted that Magpies don’t pee because they eat with their peckers. From where I sit,Slugs need a new joke writer.

  5. Moose Pucky says:

    brilliant 🙂

  6. Zyxomma says:

    @Carol, I agree. Actually, I think they should be flattered to be grouped with the slugs. Jeanne, too bad you couldn’t get the camera in time for the magpies. Why don’t you ask Wickersham’s Conscience to make that the bird of the week?

    • mike from iowa says:

      Zyx-my Grand Girlie Clover emailed me last night from her home in South Dakota that she is now a vegan. 🙂

  7. slipstream says:

    Um . . . could you pass the salt? Thanks.

  8. juneaudream says:

    “Finally it was’ve eaten 50 guests. You have got to go.” and ..”Keep it in the grass”..sigh..the divas of The Northlands..are known..far and wide, for wit and wisdom..and the ..silla-billies..are left, as crank and crab..and send in the witless minions to try and do battle….because they have ‘isolate’..the ‘weapon’..being used. Sigh..we all..ain’ta gonna tell..are we..;)

  9. mike from iowa says:

    This is even funnier than the last brawl! Too bad about the beer,since slugs are addicted to and killed by imbibing brew,the party poopers could have been flagged down and pulled over for impaired flying on top of assault,even if they did eat the evidence. Good thing the camera was handy. I can imagine stick figure slugs are a bit…difficult to draw. 🙂 🙂 🙂

  10. gin perdide says:

    LMAO too funny, and those Palins are going to be so mad at your for equating them to magpies.