You Want the Palin Brawl? Here it is.
I’ve been asked countless times over the last couple days to weigh in on the Palin’s drunken rumpus that has now dominated the national news cycle. I’ve been begged. BEGGED. “You of all people!” “I’ve been waiting!” “Don’t let us down!”
Honestly, I would rather be rolled in French fry grease, sprinkled with sea salt and fed to the ravens. It may be the same reason I disdain tabloids, and rubbernecking accidents. But because I love you I will weigh in, in whatever manner there is left to weigh in on the Hindenburg that is the Palin family.
I knew as soon as I read Amanda Coyne’s original piece, I knew what was going to happen. I’ve lived the Palin news cycle more times than I care to remember. And so I watched from the sidelines as the story went from local blog, to local blog, to news website, to a national story. The pattern has always been the same – three days from first report to national headline. It’s like dropping a gallon of milk and watching the unstoppable lake spread across the kitchen.
When I read the details, I found myself feeling strangely unsurprised. But aren’t we all, deep down, utterly unshocked? We may think we’re surprised; it may feel like we should be surprised, but we know already about Sarah and Todd’s screaming arguments, the dented refrigerator from the hurling of canned food. We have seen what happens to people, especially kids, who are rewarded with fame and riches despite having done nothing to earn them. We see everywhere in the tabloids, and gossip columns, and celebrity magazines those who are fueled by high-octane blend of narcissism, entitlement, and idiocy. This was bound to happen. If you subscribe to the theory that everything that has happened has created exactly the circumstances of the present moment, it was destiny.
After Palin was cut loose from any sort of professional handlers, somewhere a scary disaster countdown clock began to tick. The Secret Service, or a well placed earthquake might have prevented this from happening. But when the barn door was thrown open, the Thrilla from Wasilla was unchained, off the hook, and running free. Free as the wind blows.
It took longer than I thought. It’s like when there’s no seismic activity for a long time, and the pressure builds on a geologic fault. When the massive tectonic plates finally give way, the earthquake is spectacular, and the devastation is… Palinesque.
Aftershocks of Alaska’s trashquake even made it to the pages of the New York Times, which means it registered at least an 8.2 on the “Cluster” scale, as Sarah might call it. We’re famous again. Yay.
Most of the details of the drunken rumpus are known at this point, and take but a few minutes of googling and following links, but I did talk to my own source who had a couple things to add to the growing body of first person accounts. Sarah and Todd Palin were invited to a birthday party for Mark and Matt McKenna, twin brothers who own McKenna’s Paving, a successful business in Anchorage. The party was held at an address in the South Anchorage community of Oceanview. I lived in Oceanview once upon a time. It’s nice. There are tree-lined streets, and lilac bushes, and lots of little cul-de-sacs where kids ride bikes in circles and play hopscotch. Nothing much happens there, and that’s why people like it. When people throw parties, they are usually subdued back yard affairs. I never saw the police once in the five years I lived there. And if I lived there still, I might be sitting on some sweet cell phone video right now which I could share with you. Wouldn’t that have been something… But, alas.
The Palins arrived at the party, but not just Sarah and Todd who were the only actual invitees from the clan – the whole fan-damnily and some other tagalong friends from Wasilla turned up in a stretch Hummer limo. Because, of course they did. The party was an adult and relaxed event, with most guests at least in their 30s. Reports have come in that Track got into a fight with an ex-boyfriend of Willow’s. But according to my source, the initial fight started when Track and his buddy were aggressively pursuing… how shall I put this… “romantic relations” with some female guests. They were allegedly explicit and crude in their depictions of what they’d like to do with and to the ladies, expressing a desire to “bend them over on the lawn,” according to my source. Apparently the lawn was large enough to include places one could be “bent over.”
Hey. You guys wanted this… don’t look at me.
As Track and his companion were wooing the ladies with honeyed words, certain individuals took exception to it – namely the husbands of the women in question, whose presence right there with their wives the whole time was no deterrant to our confident and ambitious Casanovas from the Mat-Su.
Track did not fare well in the ensuing confrontation with the spouse. The irate husband punched Track with the full force of his annoyance, and the young Palin ended up “spread eagle lying on the grass.” You could say someone did end up bent over on the lawn, but not in the way he first envisioned.
Track’s buddies then got involved in the fracas to defend the honor of their fallen comrade, others followed, and soon Bristol Palin began to punch the host in the face for reasons we do not fully understand. Repeatedly. Then Todd showed up and joined the scrum, ending up with a bloody nose out of the deal. Did I mention that it happened to be his 50th birthday? He probably won’t forget the big 5-Ohhhh.
Then Sarah shrieked, “Don’t you know who I am?” and other such things making clear the importance of the Palins, and the lack of importance of the non-Palins to whom she was speaking. She then apparently tried to fling herself on top of the giant dog pile into the middle of the melée.
If there’s one thing the Palin’s have learned from the last six years it’s that the darned media is ruthless, and every little thing you do is scrutinized, so you keep your nose clean, and walk on eggshells. Oh, and “keep the children out of it.” Don’t forget that one.
After tiring of being punched in the face, our host informed the Palins it was time for them to go home. Bristol’s young son Tripp was apparently sleeping in the back of the Hummer limo at the time, blissfully unaware of intoxicated mommy’s raging fists of fury.
The fight ended up involving about 20 people, but eventually the police arrived, and the marauders piled into their limo and headed north to the wild lands from whence they came. But not before Track ripped his shirt off and stood in the road giving the one finger salute to departing guests. Ok, I kind of loved that part.
“Alcohol may have been a factor,” said the police report filed later.
The day after the incident occurred, Sarah tried to do damage control and got on Twitter claiming “I was traveling yesterday, so I’m posting Todd’s 50th birthday greeting a day late.” If by (air quotes) “traveling” she meant sitting in the back of a Hummer stretch limo sitting next to Todd and his bleeding nose, with her shirtless drunken son and his randy friends, her street fighting daughter and the rest of the intoxicated hoard, then yeah… she was “traveling.”
Somewhere out there, a Hummer limo driver is sitting on a gold mine. Call TMZ, sir. Be a patriot. Call them now.
It should be mentioned that at least as far as I know, Sarah Palin does not drink anything but diet Redbull, and skinny white chocolate mochas. While governor, she didn’t even let Todd drink beer, forcing him to sneak off to the garage alone to enjoy his foamy amber coping mechanism. So, we can assume if this pattern of behavior has held true, that as she struggled to throw herself into the thick of the brawl, she was stone cold sober. Which in some ways makes it worse. She can’t even blame the alcohol. She can only blame the crazy.
But at the end of the day, you who have followed this blog since the 2008 days probably have no difficulty picturing Track standing half-naked in the road, middle finger held high and proud. You can see Todd after one too many beers hurling epithets about lady parts with a bloody nose. You can picture Bristol popping the host of a party in the face with a right hook, or six. And you can surely imagine Sarah screeching, “Do you know who I am?” in her platform American flag shoes.
I’m just guessing.
So, that’s really it. I don’t know what else to say except blame John McCain, and thank your lucky stars that this will never happen on the White House lawn.
There’s no word yet if charges will be pressed. And no pictures or video of the incident have turned up so far. So my last contribution will be this eerily lifelike composite drawing, assembled and inspired by the accounts of witnesses to the carnage.
Don’t try this at home, kids.
It’s hard to know when the next trashquake will strike. But the host of the party was heard to say, “next year, we’re just going to keep it family.” Good plan, sir. Someone give that guy two aspirin and a raw steak.
Will there ever be a video?
OK, let’s drop all that “TRACK WAS DEFENDIN’ HIS SISTER” crap. Sorry, the whole thing started because he was talkin’ dirty to and breathin’ beer-breath on another guy’s wife, and that individual took extreme umbrage and knocked the crap out him. Then the rest of the Wasilla Gorillas jumped in.
And before you ask, I got this from Jane Goodall, who mistook the Palins for chimpanzees as they staggered out of their stretch ZZ Top-mobile, and starting following them and taking notes. And from her last entry it was clear she remained convinced they were chimpanzees throughout the encounter:
Last note (written with a prim British accent)–“And as they retreated, the oldest female in the troop hooted and screeched at their adversaries, something about ‘knowing who they were.’ Was she asking this as a question? Does this mean wild chimpanzees can come down with total amnesia? Fascinating!”
THE WASILLA GRUNTBUGGLIES!
(Sung to the tune of “The Beverly Hillbillies”—with apologies to Earl Scruggs, Lester Flatt and Douglas Adams)
***
Come and listen to a story ‘bout a boy named Todd
Came from a place where the men are fairly odd
Got him a beauty queen and spawned a big ‘ol brood
Loud-mouthed, ignorant, drunken and crude
(Rednecks, that is—tweaker hos, trailer trash)
Well the first thing you know Sarah’s turnin’ politricks
Got Jesus on ‘er side, gonna get outta the sticks
She said “rich and famous is the way I wanna be!
If I can’t be vice-president, just put me on TV!”
(Shows, that is—self-promotion, hate-rants)
***
It’s way past time to say good-by to all the Palin kin
We wish some place that’s far away would kindly take ‘em in
Like Alabama, Georgia, or even Tennessee
Let the Palins burden the ol’ Con-fed-er-a-cy
(South, that is…sorry, folks—yer too low-class for us southern rednecks; y’all go ‘way now, y’hear?)
Palin hillbilly song? AWESOME!!
Track not nimble,Track not quick
Track got stretched out for being a dick
As in the past, thank you AKM for this Palin post and the drawing.
South Side Chicago
Are you sure Bristol punched someone? Maybe she just took them out as she passed with her plastic garden-spade of a chin.
Thanks so much for wading in, AKM. This one is a gem! The writing and illustration just keep getting better and better!
There are infinitely more negative comments here than you will find at C4P-nothing but the facts. In fact,there are zero negative comments about Palin at C4P. Everyone accepts Palin’s version of victimhood w/o question.
Can someone ‘splain why Snowgrift Snoozie isn’t defending Thompson’s job loss as a 1st Amendment fight,just as she did when Phil Robertson was fired for his homophobic rant? She was wrong on Robertson,but she hasn’t shown the least concern for Thompson. Palin’s kiss of death must depend entirely on whose ox is being gored.
*beverage spew*
Darn it, you now owe me a dry keyboard!
Time to go to bed Ted…this episode of the Wassail Hillbillies has got you way overheated!
Milo, it is people like that who give Hillbillies a bad name.
Been sayin’. The hillbillies I know are decent, tolerant folks who just wanna be left alone. One of my brothers-in-faith is a West VA hillbilly truck driver who’s CB handle is “the Flying Imam”. Lumping hillbillies with the Palins is unnatural and insulting. They really don’t even deserve to be called rednecks, but “cracker” has kinda gone outta style. That’s why I pinched “Gruntbugglies” from Douglas Adams, from the first line of an example of Vogon poetry, the reciting of which is considered torture in most of the civilized parts of the galaxy. Kinda like listening to the Whore of Babble-On give a speech.
Jeanne, this is what Wonkette said about your masterpiece “That there is like the Bayeux Tapestry of meth-fueled hillbilly grifter brawls.”
Congratulations AKM!
I can die now. 🙂
Our fearless leader deserves a Pulitzer for artistic journalism,a Nobel for keeping the world informed about toxic Palins and a Presidential Medal of Freedom for the hell of it. Maybe a place on Mt Rushmore for heaping a mountainload of scorn on wingnut pols. And a large thank you for them there killer stick figures.
I wasn’t surprised when the incident happened; but, this version makes more sense. I gather that Track, who was not in the spotlight during his mother’s VP campaign, is as arrogant as the rest of the Palins. Thanks for the update Jeanne.
That the Palin family was involved in a fight is of no consequence. Their’s is not the first family to have done so, nor will it be the last. The larger issue is that Palin is still provided a platform on which to influence public opinion. Her support of McCain’s call for boots on the ground in Iraq, albeit through a disingenuous “global apology” to America, shows a reckless disregard for history. Her simple-mindedness is truly staggering. In her view, the U.S. must commit lives as well as resources to the fight against ISIS, otherwise get ready for the takeover of America. Without remotely suggesting the task before the U.S. is complex, she serves up simplistic drivel in order to prey on the fears and reckless bravado of those still infatuated with her.
Could we be lucky enough that Andy Halcro was driving the Palin limo again?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVrlpxqlZ0M
I really really want to see the actual shoes, platform high-tops with flags! Oh, I hope someone finds a photo of her in those shoes.
I’m thinking maybe these? http://www.conversesandals.com/converse-collective-edition-all-star-american-flag-red-blue-high-tops-canvas-platform-shoes-sale-p-452.html
I mean they are on sale after all. 😉
//swoons//
Does it really call Halcro a “chap” (not that $arah wrote it)?
Absolutely delicious. Standing by for further fallout…………………
(And more drawings please)
This was beautiful. When the words “Thrilla from Wasilla” rolled onto the screen I thought it could not get any better. And then it did get better, and better still. I have laughed myself sick now. Seriously. That was terrific Thanks..
Latest defense: It is rutting season.
How many Flag Code violations in those shoes? One can barely wait for the flag anti-desecration Constitutional amendment to pass and take effect.
“Traveling.” Heh.
1. Reminds one of the punch-drunk boxer in the Warner Bros. cartoons. “Just passin’ thorough.”
2. Gives a reinvigorated meaning to “fellow travelers.”
I hear the cable networks have all passed on the proposal to do a series on the wives of Wasilla.
Well, maybe Sarah ‘can only blame the crazy’; the rest of us can only give it credit where it’s due!
Isn’t it standard for limo drivers to sign a binding non-disclosure agreement? If so, I doubt the driver will discuss any of this unless there’s a subpoena.
I feel badly for the people who weren’t anticipating this sort of behavior from anybody over the age of 23. Even if under 23 – who would expect this from young adults in front of their parents? On their dad’s birthday, no less? Drinking too much is one thing, throwing punches is quite another!
Serious question – do the Palins’ (Sarah in particular) still frighten people to the point where they refuse to discuss the family? If they’re not around as much, is she still that much of a threat to the community if someone goes off-script?
Yes. The poor guy who talked openly to the press immediately lost his job. It’s doubtful the host of the party punched out by Bristol wants to lose his job too.
Wow. I hope he has found a very good lawyer. Is Alaska an ‘at-will’ state? To go from employee and party guest to fired in less than a week does smell all the way to the eastern seaboard.
I find the idea that someone would permit themselves to be punched, repeatedly, by a drunk woman and not press charges for assault really sad. She knew what she was doing, her inhibitions (such as they are) were simply lower due to the booze.
I can’t imagine how anyone can possibly spin Mr. Cleary being strangled (choking is when you get something stuck in your trachea – strangling is when someone is grabbing you around the neck to cause you harm) by someone as anything that he deserved. I doubt it was part of the invitation he received.
Word is that while Guv, Snowballs Snookie funneled a ton of govt contracts to the McKennas paving company.
So they have a vested interest in keeping mum. Good faithful Republicans and all that.
Unless you have union employment or a job contract that says otherwise, employment in every state is at will. In Alaska, an employee can not breech the implied covenent of good faith and fair dealing, but that won’t help here I suspect
Ahh, thank you for the explanation, John.
I’m not certain that Mr. Thompson getting fired is due to the Palin parents insisting it happen; rather it was because the McKenna’s like the Palins despite this dreadful event and took it upon themselves to terminate him.
If the guy was a good employee in the past and present, then it still bothers me that he got canned.
F***IN’ A !!
Hey Austin. Wut up?
Hey yourself , you little sh*t !
: )
I am in Santa Barbara.you still got my cell? If not contact Irishgirl. Or AKM can put you in touch. Lots of news.
Belated (?) Happy Birthday, Austin.
Thanks Forty.
: )
Sarah who?
Where’s a bus when you need it?
We could have a new reality show: Party With the Palins.
AKM – It’s been a really long time since I posted here but I’ve been a Hush Puppy (remember that old designation?)off and on for all the time in between. You were always at your best when you took on something that Sarah Palin did and put your unique spin on it. Today’s post feels like those good old days.
Hope you appreciate the number of comments today and maybe have the itch to get back into the fray. The cumulative effect of all this Palin Craziness may be coming to a crescendo and you can help lead the orchestra.
And we all can enjoy how it turns out.
The stick drawing, as others have said, made me laugh out loud. Mostly because of the high tops.
Hey Hushpuppy! Thanks for making an appearance. 🙂
I’ll believe that Sarah Palin does not drink alcohol…
But nobody will ever convince me that she is sober…
If I had her drugs I would throw mine away!
Trashquake! Lawd have mercy, I spat coffee when I read that! YOU ARE A MASTER OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!!!!
On the trashy sandals– you need a different foot model with a bad pedicure and crusty feet. That’s how she rolls. We don’t have nail artists in all of Alaska, you see.
With her “strong right hook,” is Bristol the Pistol now Bristol the Boxer?
At least she is back in the headlines. Sally must be proud of the family following in her tradition.
“I was traveling yesterday, so I’m posting Todd’s 50th birthday greeting a day late.”
Must have been another hike on the Appalachian Trail.
Usually there are aftershocks to a Trashquake…. waiting, waiting…
Oh yes!
Bravo, Jeanne!
hahahahaha
Not sure if you listened to Rachel on Friday, she mentioned the brawl while describing Palin when talking about Parnell. I think the term she used was “Bar Brawl”
still wondering whether Piper and Trig were also there (and if not, where were they? and WHY was Tripp there??). thank you, Jeanne, for keeping us posted!
On the previous night, she had been in Houston to speak at a fundraiser benefiting the Mighty Oaks Warrior Foundation, which helps wounded veterans. That event apparently was fresh on Palin’s mind when she engaged in the tumult on Saturday night.
According to the source, as her husband and son were trading blows with their adversaries, Palin was yelling (in reference to her son), “Don’t you know who he is? He’s a vet!”
This rendition of her words differs slightly but significantly from a previous report, which had Palin shouting, “Don’t you know who I am?”
Varies slightly,but significantly from a previous report. No shit,Sherlock! Palins are the victims again.
Thanks, everyone for your kind words! I love you guys. So glad you enjoyed the tale. 🙂
But . . . but . . . every morning I happily trot out to my mailbox, just knowing that today is the day I finally receive my long-awaited invitation to Levi and Bristol’s dream White House wedding.
Did I miss something?
I’m struck by the resemblance of your drawing to Picasso’s _Guernica_
http://www.markwk.com/teaching/lessons/quino-picasso-%20guernica/images/guernica1.jpg
Don’t look so surprised! The leaves do not fall far from the tree! Hockey season approaches, stay tuned.
AKM, you are SO funny. I love your writing and your sense of humor. I hope you will write a book some day that is all your own about being a sane progressive in the middle of the Alaskan conservative cesspool. It would have to have a foreword from your best buds Shannyn and Linda of course.
“trashquake” Classic!
A note to the Palins: eventually that rogue thing just starts pissing people off.
Jeanne, what quick wit u hv and dry humor. Fantastic take. Palins, foget the reality show nobody would buy it. Your family is way too whacked. AND…Don’t come to our neighborhood again. You r not welcome.
Amen, Gloria
I agree with the TMZ comment. They might or might not put it out there if they got it. There are better choices.
Classic AKM! Nobody does it better.
So true. Thank you AKM!
Thank you, thank you, thank you Jeanne. I’ve also been waiting impatiently for your take. And what a brilliant take it is, well worth waiting for. I’m going to share it because it will be widely appreciated everywhere.
See? This is why we needed you to chime in. No gossip, no fury, no conjecture. Just a big, collective *sigh* in writing. I agree, I’m not shocked one bit. And in fact,the schadenfreude is particularly delicious this time around.
Insofar as the Hummer driver? I’m certain he/she has been paid handsomely for his/her silence. The cell phone videos and/or pictures will fetch a tidy sum for whomever produces them. I wish a patriotic, commonsense (sic) American would simply upload something to Youtube. Even just a snippet. A taste. A morsel. Then watch the offers tumble in. Yes, that’s what I want. I want that now. Right now. 😉
Yes- capitalism at its best! Money, temporary fortune and fame 😉
I *rilly* enjoyed your take on this and I especially love your stick drawing!
The stick drawing really pulls it all together. Love it!
AKM does it again. Happy to see many of us hanging out together again.
Ahh, what a way to start a sunday morning. A chill in the air, clear sunshine, and classic AKM reporting. Thank you so much for the perfect review of the Cluster, I mean Situation.
http://conservatives4palin.com/2014/09/scott-conroy-sets-record-straight-medias-latest-palin-gossip.html
Here is the “official” Palin side of the brawl’ Palin is given credit for a Nietche quote.
Frederic Remington + Robert Service = Ms Jeanne Devon. And she is immensely easier on the eyes.
If they just went straight they might go far;
They are strong and brave and true;
But they’re always tired of the things that are,
And they want the strange and new.
They say: “Could I find my proper groove,
What a deep mark I would make!”
So they chop and change, and each fresh move
Is only a fresh mistake.
From Robert Service poem
The men that don’t fit in”
I truly believe he wrote this knowing there was a Palin cluster-#### on the horizon. Not near as good as our fearless leader does,imho! 🙂
My humblest apologies,Ms Jeanne. What I meant and should have saide was Frederic Remington + Robert Service < Ms Jeanne Devon(but it is real close) 🙂
Classic Mike. Miss you.
Been missing you like crazy!
I will be checking in Mike. Been traveling. Gonna be a grandmother soon. Look for me on FB under Beatrice Miller. Hugs.
Congrats! Little Bubbles are the dearest. 🙂
So, how does this square with Cleary friends bragging the next day?
At least everyone’s moved on. It’s EIGHT days later.
Nobody’s moved on. Everyone is still on ROFLAO. You wish they had moved on. This is too damn funny to let go just yet. SNORT! SNICKER!
Eagle River hoe:
Nah, not everyone moves on within 8 days.
Gabby Giffords is working to move on.
POTUS and family are working to move on more than 6 years later, move on from the dangerous, racist, ignorant atmosphere generated by the Worst Governor Ever – Sarah Palin.
Trigg Palin CANNOT move on because the whole Palin family neglects his special needs.
The Grifter Palins still grift, lie, and bully.
Get It, you Trilobite?
You said it so much better than I.
The Eagle River “Ho” Troll doesn’t seem to understand that some events demand an audience. This slow motion train wreck is one of them. We will be watching until the fat lady sings, and judging by the Tundra Turds apparent meth-loss, it will be a long time before she qualifies as the fat lady singing.
Great comments everyone(almost). Dang,where have you been?
Good one art me.
Dang. Good one Mary Me. Heh.
Very well said, Mary Me.
Just one small thing, I am rather fond of trilobites. They make very cute fossils and they were highly successful early animals, hanging in there for about 270 million years. I hope EagleRiver hoe appreciates being so addressed. 😉
Bubbles & Forty Watts:
Thank you for the compliments!
I’ve read Mudflats since 2008, and I love Jeanne’s writing and drawings, and the comments.
Forty Watts, eagle river hoe doesn’t believe in evolution, so for him/her there are not Trilobites.
And it also embodies most of the the conservative’s attitude: frozen in stone, unable to evolve, and, someday hopefully extinct.
Thank you, Jeanne, thank you. No matter how difficult this was for you. What I have never understood and even less now is how is it that she has managed to dupe so many Americans? I mean, even those who don’t have a long education or read or watch the news or do any kind of serious thinking and research on their own, how in the world can they still not see who she really is? And when, oh wen will she finally receive her comeuppance?
Probably about the same time Dick Cheney is convicted as a war criminal.
…”how is it that she has managed to dupe so many Americans”…
I understand the frustration. For me the good news is…
Maybe she did hoodwink many folks a few years ago. Those days are gone.
She is a source of humor and derision in today’s MSM.
Sarahpac isn’t doing too well either.
Part of the brilliance of Jeanne’s post is the implicit “sigh, we are so over the Palins.”
It is the MSM that keeps SP alive as a “subject.” We need to take the MSM less seriously, they even get the weather wrong. Also, too, we can still change the channel.
Yes to all of this.
If you look at her FB page, she has a ton of likes (4 mil!), but the individual posts only get a few hundred likes and a handful of comments.
Her day is past. She is a nobody.