(GetEr)Dunleavy Steps on His Own Twitter
Oh, dear. Brand spanking new Senator Mike Dunleavy (R) from the Mat-Su Valley, all eager and fresh out of the chute, steps into Juneau and on to his own… Tweet. Now, to non-Alaskans, or those who do not eagerly follow the continual shenanigans an skulduggery of the Alaskan political scene, this may seem like just a regular old tweet. But to those who lived here in the 2000’s, or what we in Alaska like to call the “Naught-ies,” the hashtag #geterdone would by hilarious, if it weren’t so incredibly eerie and seemingly prophetic. You see, way back in the mid-Naughties,…
Gun Bill Condones Arrest of Federal Agents
Mike Chenault, the mouth-breathing bully who also happens to be the Republican Speaker of the House in Juneau, has an awesome idea. As the country enters into a conversation about gun control, Chenault puts forward House Bill 69: House Speaker Mike Chenault says federal law enforcement officers should be arrested in Alaska if they attempt to enforce any future federal law banning personal possession of assault rifles or large ammunition clips or if they attempt to register any Alaska firearm. Yes. Really. “Tragedy is not a license for federal encroachment of constitutionally protected freedoms,” said Chenault. But don’t think this…
Rep. Lindsay Holmes Switches Parties
Who’s that in the portrait you ask? Well, let me get my glasses. It’s either Benedict Arnold or State Rep. Lindsey Holmes – it’s kind of hard to tell. Lindsey Holmes, you see, was just elected in November in a strong Democratic district (one of the few in Alaska). She was elected as a Democrat, by mostly Democrats, to BE a Democrat. But she decided that after she’d begged for money from Democrats, denied another actual Democrat (whose color doesn’t run) a chance at the seat, and got ELECTED as a Democrat… that she’d just rather be a Republican. Yes,…
High Drama at Militia Sentencing
Today is the sentencing for the Salcha couple accused of conspiring to murder a judge and his family, and IRS agents as they anticipated seizure of their home due to a tax dispute. Lonnie Vernon is also being sentenced for his role in the “2-4-1 Militia trial” with co-defendants militia leader Schaeffer Cox, and militia Major Coleman Barney. Lonnie Vernon plead guilty of conspiring to murder the judge in exchange for the dismissal of many of the charges against him. Of all the characters in this tale, Lonnie Vernon is the most volatile and angry, and Karen Vernon is the…
Shell & Water Don’t Mix
Royal Dutch Shell’s Alaska operations could have used a dose of “local knowledge” to prevent their latest debacle: the grounding of the oil rig Kulluk. That phrase, “local knowledge,” should ring a bell for Shell. The company was the one of the largest contributors to a group opposing the restoration of Alaska’s Coastal Zone Management program. Why did Shell spend so much money to keep coastal Alaskans away from the table? Don’t they value the experience of local people along the Beaufort and Chukchi coasts? Oh, that’s right. When you’re drilling in their back yards, you only want silent partners….
Downward Dogma: The Hindu Threat
Islamophobia is so 2010. To meet the more current threat totally not facing our nation, one must travel to the town of Encinitas—located on the California coast between San Diego and Los Angeles. Encinita’s local school district has received a $533,000 grant from a local yoga studio enabling students to learn about healthy eating, cultivating small gardens, and… (*cue shrieking violins from Hitchcock film*) Ashtanga yoga. Elementary school students in the district began taking yoga for 30 minutes, twice per week. Parents can opt their kids out of the program, but only 3 to 4 families at each school have…
Meanwhile, In Shell’s PR Office…
Following the loss of control and subsequent grounding of the Shell drilling rig, Kulluk, that company’s PR team goes to work. Sitting in PR headquarters, mostly silent, members of the PR team wracked their brains trying to find a way to at least mitigate some of the negative publicity being aimed at the corporation. Then it came. One member of the team jumped up and exclaimed, “I’ve got it! Let’s spend some money on Facebook and try to get some extra ‘Likes’ over this whole thing!” And everyone at Shell agreed. The end. ************************************************************************************************* Ryan Marquis lives on Alaska’s…
2012 Parting Shots
If you live in the Lower 48, you may be under the illusion that your state knows how to do “trashy” and “no way—that’s not for real!” It doesn’t. Not compared to Alaska. So sit back with some popcorn and check out the pros. Parenting Fail If you’re going to engage your own son in LSD-fueled hand-to-hand combat in the street over a woman (!), at least don’t do it in the nude. In Spenard, that makes you such a cliché. Poor Kids Get Baked Speaking of excessive nudity, House Finance Co-Chair Bill Stoltze refused to allow a vote on…
Frankenfish or Cut Bait
When Barack Obama was campaigning in 2007, he said something that I’d been yearning to hear from a politician. He vowed, as president, he would strive to “let folks know when their food is genetically modified because Americans have a right to know what they’re buying.” I realize the difference between campaigning and being president is much like the difference between dating and being married — but that seemed like a pretty solid statement. Europe has required all foods containing ingredients genetically modified to be labeled since 1997. Fifty countries, including China and Russia, require food manufacturers to label GMOs….
Dancer Steals Xmas Mail?
Wait. What? Someone stole Christmas mail? On Christmas DAY? And they didn’t just grab stuff out of people’s roadside mailboxes, they stole the whole big giant blue mailbox itself… right in front of the post office? And they stole FOUR of them? A brazen culprit indeed. This Christmas caper would be bad enough, if the prime suspect wasn’t … Dancer! Hold on Dasher, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder and Blitzen. Before you get your antlers in a twist, it’s not THAT Dancer. The lack of opposable thumbs should have been a dead giveaway. Authorities are seeking information about THIS Dancer,…